It has been a long time....

Today is October 2nd, 2016 and it has been so many years since I posted anything on this blog.

I had a friend over tonight after a long night at work who out of the blue asked me if I had lost children.  It made me happy that he asked me because it gave me an opportunity to tell there story.  I showed him the shadow boxes on the wall in my home and told him about the pain of our loss, but more importantly the lessons and joy that have come from the pain.

Lessons about how much more I love my daughter Megyn and truly cherish the time I get to spend with her.

He confided in me later that it gave him a different perspective about things and Cathi and I's goal has always been to talk openly about out loss in the hopes that parents hug their children tighter; gaze at them longer with more appreciation of their existence and to really take the time to look past the frustrations of the annoyance that our children can cause us when they call mommy and daddy too many times and to just be thankful they need us and love us.

Cathi and I now have a beautiful 6 and a half year old daughter, Megyn who is the most perfect child. I still think often about how fortunate we really our to have her in our life.

I don't know if anyone ever reads this stuff and really don't care.  Over the past 8 years I have only cried a handful of times in grief of my children.  It's not because I am cold or heartless, but because I never really get to grieve.  Life is always moving on.  My job doesn't care or remember my loss, even my parents just want me to "get over it."  The truth is; YOU NEVER GET OVER IT.  It is part of you forever.

I got to cry for a short time tonight when my friend asked about them and I got to remember them.  I didn't have to hold up my wife while she cried or tell someone else that it was okay because just me telling the story was too much for them to deal with.  My friend just listened and when he left, I wrote this and had a good healthy cry.  If anyone does still read this,
Thank you

Logan

~~2 years~~

It has been two years since we gave birth to Raiden and lost him so early. I laid in bed for weeks trying to save the other two triplets. Sometimes I ask "why" why god did you put me through the weeks of hell...hell on my body... hell on my emotions, only to take them anyway.... Well I have found comfort in knowing, I gave up weeks of my life; weeks of my dignity to have the special moments with my kids. We got to change their diapers, see them open their eyes for the first time. We got precious time with them that we would have never had if we hadn't fought so hard. I understand it was worth it. Most people in our world have forgotten Logan and I have even had triplets. Most people think because we had Megyn our hearts are fine and we should move on and forget about our loss.

Well for anyone who has lost a child you realize this cannot be done. This year I was a wreck. My emotions have hit me harder than I could have ever anticipated. I found myself the night before Raiden's birthday sitting in my closet crying so hard I really wasn't sure I would be able to stop. I was rummaging though my box of keep sakes trying to find Raiden's scent. I can still remember the way be smelled. I wanted so desperately to smell that again. I still have his blankets and his outfit. The pain I felt was overwhelming. I found myself home alone and having a full blown panic attack.

My daughter Megyn is 10 months old. She goes to bed at 8 pm and sleeps 12 hours. She never wakes up at night. While I was in my state of panic...I thought I heard something. I walked into the hallway and heard the faintest little voice...."mama" "mama" I peaked into Megyn's room there she was at 10 pm standing up in her crib smiling at me saying "mama" I picked her up and sat in her rocking chair. She usually is to "busy" to let me rock her anymore, but on this night she sat in my lap babbling at me and smiling. For over 20 minutes Megyn let me hold her and talk to her, she snapped me out of my sadness.

This story makes me know, my triplet angels Raiden, Ryker, and Gwyn are never very far from me. I know they are watching over us....They used Megyn to helped their mommy this night.

We took Megyn to their grave site on Raiden's birthday. We let her release a balloon for her brother. She was wearing her "little sister" "to three Angels" t-shirt. I was a very special moment.

For Logan and I the pain of loosing our children is still very fresh, just because we have Megyn we haven't forgotten how much we miss and love our triplets.

Thoughts

It's been a while since I have posted on here, Cathi usually does most of the posting...Losing our babies was the worst thing that I have ever experienced by far; Cathi and I have handled it great (we think). There certainly is no handbook for this kind of thing...You think you are planning to bring home three children and in an instance, you are planning their funeral and how to pay for their head-stone instead of their diapers. Now that we have our daughter Megyn after a tense 8 months, we have never been happier...Seeing how cute and awesome our daughter is, makes me often wonder, just how cute and awesome the triplets would have been...I know they would have been gorgeous...

For those of you who visit this blog because you too have lost your child or children, it is truly a unique experience and wound that may never heal; im not sure I want to heal from the pain...I take solace in the fact that I am the only man who got to kiss Gwyn and that my little boys Raiden and Ryker were such heros for their sister...Having lost the triplets have given Cathi and I and amazing perspective that parents who have not lost their children will never know...The love we feel for Megyn is that much stronger because we have lost or triplets...I will never forget those little munchkins despite the short amount of time we had together; I think of them everyday and consistently shed tears for them...This pain will never end, but in the long run, it will give me continued appreciation for Megyn...

Memories

This picture comes from a very special friend Nan, who also lost her angels too soon. Thank you for keeping our triplet angels memory alive.

Are Angels are looking over us......

God has blessed us with the best three Guardian angels Gwyn, Raiden, and Ryker. Today we found out they are expecting asibling. Please join us on the journey at http://www.thisisourlongjourney.blogspot.com/

Written In Stone

After everything that Cathi and I have been through...The truth is finally written in stone...It is hard to express the emotion that is brought about when you see your name written on a tombstone. As we both gazed upon the names of our children, the feelings of pain and joy are overwhelming. The pain reminded both of us of the loss that we have received over the past several months...But more than that was the joy in seeing the names of our precious babies engraved in stone forever on this earth...If it wasn't for the generosity of the members of the City that we work for, we would never be able to make this happen. Cathi and I feel so blessed that we have had the opportunity to be in the presence of our beautiful children and we are so very grateful to the men and women of the City who came together in this very stressful time to assist us, which resulted in what you see here.

Cathi and I now have a place that we can go whenever we want to visit our children and show our love. There is a permanent place for them to receive flowers and gifts...As strange as it sounds, we have found comfort in this piece of metal and stone...I can now reach down and feel their names and dates, punched roughly into the center of this headstone...Surrounding their names are multiple hearts, which for me, represent all the people who came together to show their love; for not only the children, but for Cathi and I.

A day has not gone by, that I do not cry for my children...At work, at home, on a lonely car ride to where ever, I mourn the loss of the most precious gift ever given to me...Cathi and I were so genuinely happy to have the blessing of three children and yet at the same time, they were stripped from us so soon.

Thank you all so much for those who have supported us during the most difficult experience we have ever faced in our lives.

Cathi and I are looking forward to the future and we know now that we have three precious angels in heaven watching over us that will bless us with more children...

Angel Tattoo's

Logan and I got tattoo's yesterday of the babies actual feet prints. A friend of ours is a tattoo artist and did an awesome job capturing the actual details of their little feet. :) Little Raiden's foot is the small one, Gwyn's is the skinny one and Ryker is the big one on the right.....Enjoy

Names in the Sand

A wonderful woman who lives in Australia will write the names of baby angels. She has done this for over a year and does it out of the goodness of her heart. I sent in Raiden Ryker and Gwyn to be written. They were all done during a beautiful Australian sunset. To see the entire web posting go to www.namesinthesand.blogspot.com Scroll down on the left side and click on their names. It is a beautiful website and an awesome way to celebrate our Angels. We wanted to share this experience with everyone.

"A Journey To Forever"

Raiden, Gwyn, and Ryker have all moved on to a better place and though they are not with us now, they will forever be in our hearts and souls.

Our children are our Family and they always will be. In the future when Cathi and I have more children, they will always have 2 brothers and a sister.

Cathi commemorated their memory by creating the shadow boxes shown in the photo to the left. These boxes are placed between Cathi and I's bedroom and the children's nursery. Cathi and I are still mourning the loss of our babies, but we will always think of our children as a great blessing to us despite the short time we had with them.

NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW

To: Raiden, Ryker and Gwyn

Many a lonely moment;
Often a silent tear;
But always a beautiful memory
of THREE who were so dear.

Their memory is our keepsake
From which we shall never part
God has them in His keeping.
We have them in our hearts,

Friends may think we have forgotten
When at times they see us smile,
Little do they know the heartache
That our smile hides all the while.

We mourn for them in silence,
No one can see us weep
But many silent tears are shed

While others are asleep.

God gave us strength to fight it
And courage to bear the blow,
But what it meant to lose them

NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW



Author Unknown



PS: Thank you so much Heidi...This poem explains exactly what we cannot..You are a true gem...In memory of your Little Angel Alexa :)

To My Precious Angels

To My precious Angels: Raiden, Ryker, and Gwyn

The happiest day of my life was learning I was carrying three precious babies.
I got to feel you grow inside of me everyday. All three of you had individual personalities while growing inside. Your Daddy and I just new Raiden and Ryker were boys. You were always rough housing inside my belly while Gywn tried to sleep. All three of you were always so close.

On 10-14-08 I was rushed to the hospital in fear I would suddenly loose all three of you. Well I held on until 10-17, Raiden you decided you wanted to meet us too early. Even though our time with you was cut short, you WERE and WILL always be my first born….Thank you Raiden Landon Long for making me a true mommy…

After I delivered Raiden suddenly, I did what any determined mother would do. I held on to Gywn and Ryker for another month. The doctors explained that it had rarely been accomplished, but I was determined. Unfortunately I went back into labor on 11/12. I was so scared but also so excited to meet you two little babies; who for the past month had been cuddled so close that the nurses couldn’t even track your heartbeats, you were so close your hearts beat exactly the same.

Your daddy spent the entire first night of your lives with you while I recovered. He brought pictures to me but it wasn’t until I got to see you for the first time that my heart truly melted.

Ryker London, You were such a beautiful little baby. You loved to keep your hands by your head, or close to your mouth. It drove the nurses crazy because they always tried to put your hands down by your sides. Your Daddy and I were there the day they took the lights away from your body. Your Daddy and I looked down at you as you opened your eyes for the first time. You were so precious; it was the best day of my life.

Gwyneth Bella you were the most delicate little pumpkin. You had the most feminine features. You held my little finger so tight. You were such a determined little girl. You had so much of my personality. My mom always wished I would have a little girl that would make me worry late at night, well in 18 short days you made your father and I go through every emotion of being a parent. You smiled at us all of the time. You would also hold on to what ever wires were around you. You wanted so badly to suck your tiny little thumb, just like your mommy used to.

Today you all lie together again. This is and will be the hardest day of my life. I hope you are all comfy wrapped in your little blankets and cuddled up to your little woobies. Raiden, Ryker and Gwyn… You gave your Daddy and me the best few months of our lives. Thank you all for letting us realize what really matters in life. You have touched more lives in a few short weeks than most get to in a life time. Thank you sweet babies for choosing me as your mommy…I will love you ALWAYS….

Funeral Services

Funeral services will be held Friday December 5th at 1pm at the Calvary Catholic Cemetery on US Hwy 19 N. and Bryan Dairy road. This is an open service for anyone who would like to attend.

If you are unable to make the service, but feel Raiden, Ryker, or Gwyn have touched you in some way, we ask that you take a moment of silence at 1pm on Friday for our special Angels.

A fathers "True" love!!!

A fathers “TRUE” love. I have always heard the term Daddy’s little girl, But I never really understood it until the day my little girl Gwyneth Bella went to heaven. In the late night hours of November 30th Early morning of December 1st. Logan and I called the NICU as we do every night to get an update on Gwyn. We were informed that they needed to do lifesaving measures to her.

Logan and I rushed into the hospital and made it just in time to hold our precious Angel. She was so beautiful. Logan thinks she looked like me because she had my lips. The hardest part of the night was not watching my precious Gwyn leave this earth to be with her brothers, it was watching the true anguish of a man who had been holding together so strong for several weeks. No words can describe a father’s love for his daughter. I know there is a special bond between me and my dad, but I never truly got it until I watched my husband with his little girl. It brought true joy to me watching him with her.

We got 18 wonderful days with our little fighter. She decided for herself that she missed her brothers too much to continue to fight any further. Looking back on it, Logan and I realize we were being extremely selfish to believe that Gwyn would want to be here on earth with us. Gwyn needed to be with her brothers.

These babies were so close if you go back through the old posts you will see references to baby A and B playing together. Well baby A was Raiden, B was Ryker, and Baby C was Gwyn. When we lost Raiden, Gwyn took comfort in her brother’s arms. She laid so close to Ryker the entire time I was in the hospital. The nurses had to track the babies’ heartbeats everyday, they always thought they had the same baby because their hearts beat as one.

I love my children with all of my heart. One day I will understand why we are going through all of this. Right now I take great comfort in knowing I got to truly love my children for their short time on this earth. They touched more people in their short time here than most do in a lifetime.

I am truly blessed to have a wonderful loving and caring husband. Logan has always been there for me. I couldn’t have asked for a better man. We want to thank each and everyone of you who has prayed for our family. Thank you

Out of The Spotlight

After over a week of being in the Spotlight, this little superstar has gotten to take off her cool sunglasses and show us her pretty face...One of the nurses put a pink ribbon in her hair that you see on the photograph...

With everything that has happened in the past few months it is so hard to stay positive; but then, we look at this pretty face and can't help but turn to moosh....

Gwyn is so cute, but so fystie...She has to have it her way...She doesn't like a lot of noise, and she refuses to stay in the position that the nurses put her in....

One nurse tried to move her arms to her side, and she responded by waving them in the air, then putting them as far out the sides away from her body as she could...She is so defiant and has such a personality...

There is not much to update, she is still critical, but stable...There are so many things going on that it is difficult for me to even understand, let alone relay to everyone reading...Cathi and I remain positive and I will continue to update as much as possible with new pictures and stories despite the exhaustion of the NICU....

Yeah Gwyn!

A Brother’s Love

On November 22, 2008 Ryker London Long, the youngest of two brothers and one of a set of triplets passed on to a better place…Ryker decided for himself that he was too good for this earth and could do a better job of protecting his little sister Gywn by being with his brother Raiden in heaven…Cathi and I stayed with Ryker for several hours as he slowly left us, wondering again, what God has in store for our family…

Despite massive brain bleeds and damage to several parts of Ryker’s brain, along with multiple issues with his organs, Ryker lasted ten days on this earth…In those ten days Ryker had more influence on more people than some do in an entire lifetime…All of his nurses loved him so much and took amazing care of him…I think they may have had a little crush on him; “That’s my boy; a little ladies man!”

Cathi and I were so fortunate to see many of Ryker’s amazing “firsts.” We got to see Ryker take his first poop, but most of all we were able to be there when our little boy opened his eyes for the first time…He had big beautiful eyes…He was too young still to be able to tell what color they were, but they were gorgeous just the same…

Many people say that it takes time before you can tell who the baby looks like; especially with preemies, and even more so with micro preemies like Ryker; HOWEVER, there was no doubt that Ryker was our son…It was obvious Ryker had Cathi’s toes, cause one of them curved a little just like Cathi’s; Ryker had my cowlick in his hair; we are not sure which nose he has, but it’s a beautiful one….Ryker unmistakably has my chin…There is never any doubt when someone has a pronounced chin like mine, along with my thin little bird lips…As I watched him die, he looked at Cathi and I with those beautiful eyes in a confused but peaceful way and I thought I was looking at myself…

I will not whine to you all about the tremendous pain and suffocating emotion that Cathi and I are enduring at this moment…Instead, I will leave you by saying that with great pain will come great joy and our daughter is still hanging in there…There are no answers to why we are going through this, but I can assure you this too shall pass and we will endure with grace and one day be joyful again….

Thank you all for your concern and prayers

Logan

NICU Disclaimer

The previous post was to thank everyone who has helped care for Cathi and the babies while they were in the womb. Now that Ryker and Gywn are in the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit) there are a whole new set of doctors and nurses who are caring for our babies.....

I must warn everyone who follows this blog, that despite the power of positive thinking, love of two deserving parents, and the miracles of modern medicine, Ryker and Gywn remain critically ill in the NICU.....

We have good days and bad days and unfortunately, recently, we have had a string of bad days that has overwhelmingly exhausted the both of us.

If you have failed to hear from us via phone, email, or any other form of communication, we truly apologize but it has taken every bit of strenght that we have to endure the draining and emotional daily visits of the NICU...We know that all of you who follow our story care deeply for Cathi, me, and our babies and it has not gone un-noticed...When Cathi and I recover from this obstacle in our life, we will do our best to individually thank everyone of you...

With great pain will come great joy....eventually.....we hope....Thank you all for you support and love through this most difficult of times...

Logan

Thanks to All

Hello to everyone.....

This is not really an update because Cathi and I are in a difficult situation that is requiring our full attention....I do not want to give false updates, false hopes, or false fears to all of those who are concerned for our babies....

I do; however, want to extend a special thanks to the doctors and nurses who have shared their time, tears, prayers, hopes and fears with Cathi and I as we traversed the most difficult time in our lives...Cathi and I are one of the strongest, most loving, and best communicating couples that could ever exist.....Cathi and I share everything and we are best friends; when one suffers, the other suffers just as much....I truly am impressed and moved by the compassion and love that was portrayed by all of the nurses who cared for my wife...

I did my very best to be with Cathi 24 hours a day when she was in the hospital...I did my best as a husband to be there for her and help her maintain her dignity as a women, wife, and mother...When I could not be there, the nurses that took care of her were the greatest blessing I could ever ask for...At one point during Cathi's hospital stay, I lost my first born son to an early delivery....It was not his time and he was too good for this earth...Dacia, Mandy, Cindy, Kelly, Darcy, Peggy, Cynthia, Nicole, Hailey, Tracy, Heather, and Kamona (I think that is right) were consistently there to assist Cathi and I with the aftermath of this time...Their compassion and warmth really helped Cathi and I make it through this difficult time...All of you were more than Cathi and I could ever expect from anyone and you truly could never know the profound impact that you have had on our life and our experience in the hospital....

As a loving husband and father, you all allowed me to help my wife in the best way possible and never complained when I had a request.....Words cannot express my thanks and gratitude for the professionalism and respect that you gave Cathi and I.....In the last few months, Cathi and I have felt pain that has scarred our souls for the rest of our lives....We have endured wounds that will never heal and have been suffocated by the overwhelming trauma of losing a child....If it had not been for the sincere assistance and compassion of the aforementioned nurses, I am not sure Cathi and I could have endured....We will remember you all for the rest of our days....Thank you, thank you, thank you....

We know that there are many more people to thank that have been instrumental in our care and if we have left anyone out, it is not that we have not thought of you and love you for the care and compassion that you have given us.....As far as doctors go, there were so many that were in and out of our room during treatment, that we could not possibly begin to name them all; Obviously Dr. Ramier, Dr. Prieto, and Dr. Montenegro are our primary caretakers and made this whole experience possible....Through good and bad, you all have given us expert advice and treatment and we could not ask for anything other than that regardless of the outcome....Dr. Burke and Dr. Bradshaw Graham, you guys were awesome and more than supportive...Thank you!

Exclusive Photos Not To Be Seen In The Tabloids

This is a world exclusive opportunity for anyone visiting this site, I again apologize to any parents reading this, because you will surely be jealous of the perfection, which has been created in Bayfront Hospital...Cathi has given birth to the most perfect children on earth and you all get to see some of the first pictures!!!!

I have spent the past few days pushing away media and fighting paparazzi in the hallways...The pictures you see below, which have been posted over the past few days are exclusive photographs of actual angels on earth...Enjoy the photos, they are truly priceless artifacts of our time...

Cathi and Logan's celebrity babies are receiving top treatment in one of the best NICU's in the world...They have been obtaining first class VIP treatment by the most well-trained nurses and doctors that walk this earth...I spoke earlier with one of the doctor's who had just finished conducting rounds on the babies, and she informed me that God himself said these babies are perfect in every way...God refused an exclusive interview, simply saying, "I think my work here says enough!" DON'T FORGET TO SCROLL DOWN...I TEND TO PUT ON TWO OR THREE POSTS AT A TIME!!!

DISCLAIMER:

My egotistical banter about God and his newly created angels is in no way Blasphemy and not intended to offend anyone, it is simply a defense mechanism to maintain ones sanity...ENJOY!

All Smiles!

Despite the tummy tube and breathing tube in her mouth, Gwyn is the most photogenic baby in the world...It was no different during Ultrasounds when she would make poses for the camera and smile...Although she is fighting hard to learn to breathe and fix her collapsed lung, Gwyn keeps a smile on her face...I love to watch her, because she really looks as if she is smiling all of the time and she looks so much like Cathi...

As soon as I think she is resting, I begin to step

away to look at her brother, and she starts fighting for attention...Her little chest will jump and she will take a breathe, then she will start wiggling her little piggy toes and move her hands, so that her daddy will give her more attention...

I apologize to any other parents who are reading this and seeing this little girl, because you surely must be jealous of how gorgeous she is...She just has the most perfect features...AND WHAT A PERSONALITY!!!

VIP Treatment

Everyone likes to see pictures of newborn babies and how precious they are and this instance is no different...I apologize for not having them up sooner, but we have been pulled in several different directions. This picture is a close up of Ryker as his soft blue lights shine on him to prevent a condition called Jaundice.

Ryker went under the blue lights because the brighter white light that Gwyn has did not cover him enough...Both of the lights, though, different, accomplish the same goal...

It has only been a day and a half since their birth, but I can already brag about what great people my little one are becoming...Ryker has been placed on a ventilator that breathes for him and it was initially set at 40 BPM (breathes per minute)...My little man being the overachiever that he is, was at one point breathing at 60 BPM....He likes to "ride the machine" for a little while; then when his strength is up, he breathes on his own with the machine, which is a good sign...I went to see him last night before bed and told him to breathe and he started breathing on his own so fast...It nearly brought me to tears...When he becomes strong enough to breathe on his own, they will take that tube out of his mouth....He looks so comfy in his little bed of sheepskin, which is a soft cotton like substance they put in there to keep him comfy...The blue lights make him look as if he is hanging out in a night club VIP section...

The nurses in the NICU are so amazing and so well trained...Ryker and Gwyn get non-stop VIP treatment...I think some of the girls in there may have a crush on this handsome little fellow...GO RYKER!!!