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Thursday, October 21, 2010

~~2 years~~

It has been two years since we gave birth to Raiden and lost him so early. I laid in bed for weeks trying to save the other two triplets. Sometimes I ask "why" why god did you put me through the weeks of hell...hell on my body... hell on my emotions, only to take them anyway.... Well I have found comfort in knowing, I gave up weeks of my life; weeks of my dignity to have the special moments with my kids. We got to change their diapers, see them open their eyes for the first time. We got precious time with them that we would have never had if we hadn't fought so hard. I understand it was worth it. Most people in our world have forgotten Logan and I have even had triplets. Most people think because we had Megyn our hearts are fine and we should move on and forget about our loss.

Well for anyone who has lost a child you realize this cannot be done. This year I was a wreck. My emotions have hit me harder than I could have ever anticipated. I found myself the night before Raiden's birthday sitting in my closet crying so hard I really wasn't sure I would be able to stop. I was rummaging though my box of keep sakes trying to find Raiden's scent. I can still remember the way be smelled. I wanted so desperately to smell that again. I still have his blankets and his outfit. The pain I felt was overwhelming. I found myself home alone and having a full blown panic attack.

My daughter Megyn is 10 months old. She goes to bed at 8 pm and sleeps 12 hours. She never wakes up at night. While I was in my state of panic...I thought I heard something. I walked into the hallway and heard the faintest little voice...."mama" "mama" I peaked into Megyn's room there she was at 10 pm standing up in her crib smiling at me saying "mama" I picked her up and sat in her rocking chair. She usually is to "busy" to let me rock her anymore, but on this night she sat in my lap babbling at me and smiling. For over 20 minutes Megyn let me hold her and talk to her, she snapped me out of my sadness.

This story makes me know, my triplet angels Raiden, Ryker, and Gwyn are never very far from me. I know they are watching over us....They used Megyn to helped their mommy this night.

We took Megyn to their grave site on Raiden's birthday. We let her release a balloon for her brother. She was wearing her "little sister" "to three Angels" t-shirt. I was a very special moment.

For Logan and I the pain of loosing our children is still very fresh, just because we have Megyn we haven't forgotten how much we miss and love our triplets.


Surviving Triplets said...

No one should EVER minimize your loss. A parent that has not lost a child can never understand.

Sophie said...

Hi Cathi and Logan,
I am in tears from reading your heartbreaking story of losing Raiden, Ryker and Gwyn, and in shock at the similarities between our stories. From the excitement you had in getting a new car to accomodate your instant family, to your struggle to stay pregnant, to your joy of meeting your precious babies, to your pain of losing each of them - I understand it all so well. We lost our triplets, Henry, Jasper & Evan, at very similar stages to you. And we too now have a darling little boy Owen in our lives who loves his brothers in Heaven, and puts balloons on their graves on their birthdays.
Our darling baby triplets lived and died four years ago now, and there has never been a day when they have not been in my heart and mind and soul.
I am stunned at how your words mirror my feelings for my little boys too - your feelings of greatfulness for the special moments you got to share with your babies, your desperate need to keep alive your memories of their scent (i still keep a cotton bud in my wallet that Jasper used once to suck some of my milk), and your feelings of a real and tangible link between your triplets in heaven and your beautiful little girl here with you on earth - I have so many examples of things that have happened with my boy Owen which show me my little angels are always close by too!
Sending you peace and love and healing,

Sally said...

Raiden is the most kickass name ever. How awesome. Mortal Kombat ftw!