Thursday, October 21, 2010
It has been two years since we gave birth to Raiden and lost him so early. I laid in bed for weeks trying to save the other two triplets. Sometimes I ask "why" why god did you put me through the weeks of hell...hell on my body... hell on my emotions, only to take them anyway.... Well I have found comfort in knowing, I gave up weeks of my life; weeks of my dignity to have the special moments with my kids. We got to change their diapers, see them open their eyes for the first time. We got precious time with them that we would have never had if we hadn't fought so hard. I understand it was worth it. Most people in our world have forgotten Logan and I have even had triplets. Most people think because we had Megyn our hearts are fine and we should move on and forget about our loss.
Well for anyone who has lost a child you realize this cannot be done. This year I was a wreck. My emotions have hit me harder than I could have ever anticipated. I found myself the night before Raiden's birthday sitting in my closet crying so hard I really wasn't sure I would be able to stop. I was rummaging though my box of keep sakes trying to find Raiden's scent. I can still remember the way be smelled. I wanted so desperately to smell that again. I still have his blankets and his outfit. The pain I felt was overwhelming. I found myself home alone and having a full blown panic attack.
My daughter Megyn is 10 months old. She goes to bed at 8 pm and sleeps 12 hours. She never wakes up at night. While I was in my state of panic...I thought I heard something. I walked into the hallway and heard the faintest little voice...."mama" "mama" I peaked into Megyn's room there she was at 10 pm standing up in her crib smiling at me saying "mama" I picked her up and sat in her rocking chair. She usually is to "busy" to let me rock her anymore, but on this night she sat in my lap babbling at me and smiling. For over 20 minutes Megyn let me hold her and talk to her, she snapped me out of my sadness.
This story makes me know, my triplet angels Raiden, Ryker, and Gwyn are never very far from me. I know they are watching over us....They used Megyn to helped their mommy this night.
We took Megyn to their grave site on Raiden's birthday. We let her release a balloon for her brother. She was wearing her "little sister" "to three Angels" t-shirt. I was a very special moment.
For Logan and I the pain of loosing our children is still very fresh, just because we have Megyn we haven't forgotten how much we miss and love our triplets.